Yes Mother
by AmazingAlex0818
Summary: Keladry buried her third child today. She is convinced this is a punishment from the Goddess for ignoring the traditional path for women. What follows is the Goddess's message to Kel reminding her that it doesn't always take biology to make a difference.


A/N: This is my first attempt at a fanfiction so please make sure any and all reviews are constructive. I do not own the Protector of the Small series and any and all characters you recognize belong to the beloved Tamora Pierce. This story does contain mature situations. I will announce any significant trigger warnings prior to the chapter in the author's note. This chapter contains miscarriages, stillborns, and depression. I am posting this chapter without serious editing tonight. If you notice any typos, please excuse them. I will do a more thorough edit tomorrow.

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Kel sat back on her knees and let the tears run freely down her cheeks as the Priestess of the Goddess gave the final rights over the open grave. She remained in this position as well wishers gripped her shoulder and whispered their regrets before heading back to the manor house. She stayed still as the timid groundskeepers snuck forward and started covering the grave. She did not shift position as her husband put his callused hand on the back of her neck and then with a gruff sigh told her he would deal with the guests and to return when she was ready.

It was only when she was certain she was alone did Kel allow herself to look at the three small grave markers laying in a row in front of her. Growing between the markers were miniature white rose bushes, blooming with tiny roses. The newest grave stood out against the undisturbed ground of the others.

Kel gave a ragged sob and fell forward, her fingers digging in the rich soil. She had buried her third baby today. She clutched the ground in tight fists and cried out her pain. Each marker showed a child that she had born that had not lived the night. Two had died inside her; she had been forced to carry her poor dead babies and had buried them here. She remembered Neal's tearful look as he whispered the truth to her. His considerable healing talent hadn't been enough to bring her babies back.

She was so hopeful when Neal had told her that her last baby was a little weak but still living when he checked her last. Their faces had glowed with joy as they imagined the person this baby would grow to be. And then she had heard her baby give her first weak cry to the world and her heart had beat with a fierce and wonderful love.

Then there was confusion as her child refused to draw another breath. Neal's face had fallen as he and the midwife struggled over her baby's small form. Neal had poured all his magic out to try to force little Elanore's lungs to pump. The midwife had warmed the baby and patted her back but there was no bringing her soul back to the world. Neal had looked at her with a grey face and whispered "She's gone." before staggering to the door.

Kel had cried out and reached for her child. She remembered screaming at them to give her her child that she had to live. And when they placed her small, still form in her arms she had collapsed around her. She had cried out to the heavens for her child; for her children that had left her before she even had a chance to know them.

She cried out again now. Three babies gone and, she reached out and touched a small rose, so many miscarriages. What was it about her that made it impossible to be a mother? Was it her large form? Her husband had long since convinced her that her form could be pleasurable but could it be a mother? Was she being punished for deciding to follow a man's role and becoming a knight? The Goddess had decided that because she had deviated from the woman's role as a young woman, she could not now return to the woman's role now?

So absorbed with her grief, Kel failed to hear her husband come up behind her and wrap her in his strong arms. His own tears soaked the back of her kimono as they looked at the resting places for their children. "Our babies. Oh Dom, our beautiful babies. I'm so sorry." Dom looked at her in surprise, "Sorry? Why would you be sorry? Kel, you heard what Neal said. None of this is your fault. You followed every instruction from every midwife and healer we could find. You made yourself sick choking down some of the potions." He gently wiped a streak of dirt off his wife's cheek. "We just aren't meant to have children of our own, my love. I have mourned every one of our lost little ones as much as you, but you have insisted that we continue to try. No more. I can't…" his voice cracked as tears continued to pour down his cheeks," I can't lose you too. Not you and our babies. You're all I have left. You are my heart."

Kel sobbed and leaned against his chest. She clutched his shoulders and nodded softly. They had agreed this would be the last try. Neal had warned her that her own health was in jeopardy when she mentioned she was pregnant again but she was certain this baby would live. Her baby had lived, if only for a few minutes. From now on she would wear her pregnancy charm and resign herself to never being a mother.

"Let's go back to the house, dear." Dom whispered as he gently helped his wife to her feet. "Everyone inside is terrified for you. Alanna threatened to castrate me for putting you through this and I saw Daine trying to corner me a time or two. I'm pretty sure Neal is trying to find an answer in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey." Kel gave a weak smile as she imagined her friend threatening Dom's nether regions.

They walked slowly up the gentle hill toward the manor house, their arms around each other as they thought about the child they had just said goodbye to. Kel was swept into her mother's arms as they stepped inside the door. The women's tears mixed as they pressed their cheeks together and hugged each other tightly. She pulled away and looked at the crowd around her. She saw Raoul's grave nod as he quickly clasped her hand, Neal's anguished glance he shot her before staring back down into his drink, and she saw Alanna and Daine standing in front of the library gesturing for her attention.

She slowly disentangled herself from her mother and wiped her face with a spare handkerchief. She gripped Dom's hand tightly as they walked toward her friends. They stood looking at each other for a moment before Kel folded herself into their waiting arms. They held their friend tightly and looked over her head at Dom's sorrowful face. These strong, stoic warriors were full of the pain of losing not only one child, but many. Alanna felt a sharp pang as she held one of the strongest women she had ever known as she cried.

Daine slowly pulled away and sniffed back her own tears as she motioned towards the library's open door. "Come on. We need to talk to you." Kel followed wearily and sat heavily into her armchair. Dom rested his hand on her shoulder as he looked at their friends. "What's this about Daine? Alanna?" He asked.

"We're here with messages for you. Not from us but from the divine realms. They've sent us to answer your questions." Alanna told them.

"It's ok Alanna. I'm obviously not meant to be a mother. I know that now." Kel softly whispered.

"On the contrary Kel!" Daine cried out. "We're here to tell you how much of a mother you already are!"

"What?! A mother to dead children you mean? A mother who kills her own children in the womb!" Kel screamed in anguish. "Is this your message? Because it is nothing I haven't already told myself, believe me."

"Oh Kel. No. The Goddess would never be so cruel to tell a mother that. This is what she sent me to tell you. She isn't punishing you because you decided to be a knight first. If that is the way she dealt with reluctant mothers, I would never have had my own little ones. Kel, the Goddess has wept with you at the passing of each of your children." Alanna told Kel with tears in her eyes.

"You've wondered why my mother wouldn't help you, Kel." Daine said softly. "Even though you called out to her and left her offerings throughout your pregnancies. My mother tried to intervene, she tried so hard. But she is a weaker goddess and not even she can change the way a person's body is made."

"So it is because of my lumpy body. Because I've always been the Cow. It's been my own body that's betrayed me." Kel muttered bitterly. She always hated when her body did something without telling her first and this was the biggest betrayal of all. She had spent years training her body to do as she willed and in the end, it had killed her babies while still in the womb.

Dom frowned at her words, "There is nothing wrong with Kel's body. I'll fight anybody who says so. Be they goddess or my wife's own self-image."

"It's not the outside that matters. There was no way to know who will and will not be able to have children from the outside. It's not that simple Kel." Diane told her, reaching out for Kel's hand.

"The Goddess wants to show you something. To show you how many would have been lost without you to mother them."

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So ends chapter 1. Please leave me a review of what you think of the first chapter. Thank you for your constructive criticism.


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